beth

I really kick ass bad day

2007-11-13T17:15:00.000-08:00

This is a message to the women folk of my family. And may I just say that I can talk like that because I reside in the farmland of our luscious land surrounded by soy, tobacco, sweet potatoes, cotton, farmers, pigs, cows, tractors driven by 10 year olds that go 6 miles and hour so big you can’t pass and big large woman and lots of people with no teeth.
I know that you have all had bad days. May I just mention: escalators, biting dogs, funky hair colors, acting gay in front of your favorite movie star, Popeye pipes, a cat in a clothes dryer, slamming your car into a herd of deer (and killing Rudolph you bitch) to name a few.
One event made a day in my life the worse kick ass day of them all. I was left trembling and severely emotionally traumatized to the point where I almost had an out of body experience because my brain had to disengage itself from me and park at the local (40 miles away) Piggly Wiggly just to protect itself.
It was more horrific then slamming my beautiful truck into a Dodge Ram at 45 miles an hour and totaling it. I had to wait 3 days just to write about it because I am having a hard time controlling the flashbacks and nightmares as it is. I will probably, most likely, as sure as hell need therapy.
Because I am forced to divulge this historical horrific life altering living a nightmare event without any one besides my family of girlie girls knowing what it is I have to give you hints. They are as follows: (Let see who gets it first)

· EZ Tops (the band and I know I spelled it wrong (side effect)
· George Bush (BIG ass clue there)
· Move star, male, danced dirty, dressed in drag – no not him – wife
· Vodoo doll for above and what you did with the item below
· Brillo (the big large ass box you would probably purchase in Sam’s Club)
· European women who have never seen television
· Dreadlocks
· Pruning
· Snipping
· Whacking
· Weeding
Ok. Got it?
I did not want to be a part of this. I tried to hide. I pleaded and begged to no avail. Mommy had pruning equipment. Mommy is a dangerous and demented woman. Give her a sharp object and Charles Manson would quiver. When you see me on Thanksgiving you will see up close the damage done. The hollowed look, the dark circles under my eyes, the crying jags. Stock up on Folgers Deb, yes Pam, I will have that drink, Gina –I’ll need a macaroni pie, Stacy – tell us again your tale of meeting your most famous movie star and for the rest of her life she will think you are a lesbian, Jill – funny faces (and sounds) Amanda- an uplifting song and Brooke – chocolate (we killed the Godiva’s from Sanjaab and Puntapatel but I can always go for a Nestles Crunch Bar or Hummis if it’s on hand.

Fossil Kin

2007-11-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

This is for Brooke (because I can't figure out how to respond to your blog from my blog - please send me an email with complete instructions) thank you.
When I was at your house and your Mom and I had the tv to pick a movie of our choice- it was a complete fiasco. By the time you got home we were basically in the same spot - looking for a movie. Because we have not caught up to technology yet - it was like trying to program a space program. Even if (after 40 minutes) we found a movie there was no sound. You have to understand that we were created from Grandma. Need I say more. An ON button and an OFF button is basically as much as we can comprehend.
By the way - NCIS is on Tuesday nights. My life is a nightmare.

What??????

2007-11-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

To give you all a taste of why my mind is looking for someplace else to live I will give you a sample of a real life conversation I had last night with my Mother. This is while we were trying to find something on tv, scanning thru 300 + channels and me every other second saying "how's this Mom?".
Me: Hunt for Red October is on Mom, did you ever see it? It's really a good movie and Sean Connery is in it. I know you like him".
Mom: I do like him. He's Scottish you know. I never saw that movie. Is it bloody?
Me: No. It's about submarines.
Mom: I don't like war movies.
Me: It's a good story. It has a good cast too.
Mom: Anything else on?
Me: Surfing, surfing, surfing.
Mom: Isn't NCIS on tonight?
Me: No Mom, I think it's on Monday nights.
Mom: Ok, I like that show.
Me: How bout Without a Trace, you like that.
Mom: That's a really good show. Anything else on?
Me: I went thru all the channels twice. Want to try "Hunt for Red October? If you hate it I'll find something else on. There's always Without a Trace.
Mom: I think I'd rather watch NCIS.
Me: It's not on tonight Mom. We can watch it tomorrow night.
Mom: Are you sure? I think we saw it last Sunday.
Me: No Mom, look - see the menu? It's not on tonight.
Mom: I like him.
Me: Who?
Mom: The guy on NCIS.
Me: Ok Mom, I'm going to put Hunt for Red October on.
Mom: I'm just going to get a cup of coffee.
Me: You're going to miss the beginning.
Mom: That's ok, I think I saw this once.
Interlude: Mom makes cofee - movie starts
Mom: This isn't the movie I was thinking about. I never saw this movie. Are you sure NCIS isn't on tonight? I wouldn't want to miss it.
Me: Here's the clicker Mom. (please beat yourself over the head with it) Why don't you see if I missed it (22 times).
I went to bed.

2007-11-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

Sisters

I have three sisters. They are wonderful and unique. My older sister, Dorothea Hazelnut was shopping in the city one day and decided to stay overnight because she was just plain worn out from all that shopping. She checked into the Ritz Carlton and while waiting for the bell hop to gather her shopping bags took it upon herself to pick her nose and distribute the boogey under the cute little accent table next to the sofa. Well, as we all know, you don’t deface the lobby accent pieces at the Ritz. The Manager, Gustav Von Pattycake happened to be swirling by just as she was picking and placing. Well……he just about had a coronary. Thank God Tippy, the bell hop was there to catch him or he would have just collapsed on to the parquet floor. Needless to say my poor sister was thrown out into the street and banned from the Ritz. To make matters worse it suddenly began to rain. Not just a drizzle. Torrents and buckets of water saturated my poor sister. Her shopping bags began to come apart and all her newly purchased items were drenched. She tried to hail a cab but as luck had it there were none available. She ran into a little mini mart purchased a Hefty bag and deposited all her many, many sopping wet shopping bags along with the sopping wet items in it. She then headed for the train station deciding the best thing to do is just go home. Before she took 3 steps she was mugged and her purse was ripped from her grip knocking her down. On the way down she somehow smacked her face on a hotdog wagon and knocked out her two front teeth injuring her jaw. One of the pretzels from the hot dog wagon dislodged it’s self during this fiasco and got stuck in the blood on the side of my sisters face. The hot dog vendor thought she was stealing (because of course, being a New Yorker, did not notice my sister had been mugged) and began hitting her with his mustard container. My sister was in a state of pure panic. The police show up and began questioning her while all the while the hot dog man is screaming and telling the police she was trying to rob him (hey, just like Dad and Grandpa!). She is trying to tell them she is the victim here but alas, with a swollen jaw and no front teeth all she could do was babble like a drunk. But all was not lost. The police officers, kindly gents as they were, felt bad for my sister and did the right thing (or so they thought) and decided to take her to a homeless shelter.
Sitting in the patrol car and determined to make the officers understand that she was NOT homeless she tried to explain. But some things never change and appearance is everything. Becoming extremely agitated and sounding more crazy them homeless –yep, you guessed it – off to the psycho ward. She’s still there. And this happened 3 months ago. She’s very much loved by her family but we all feel that this was a golden opportunity to teach her a very valuable lesson. She just spends way too much money on her shopping sprees. But being the loving family that we are we’re claiming her so she can come home for Thanksgiving. Actually, the day before, I mean we’re not doing all that cooking.

Mom & Dad

2007-11-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

Let me give you a little family history. I was born of European decent in Europe. My parents were gypsies. Mom was a fortune teller who went by the name of Madame Zpadedooda. She was well know throught out the land, air and sea.
She was a woman before her time. An enterprenieress if you may. She was loved and adored as well as feared. She spoke to the dead. Of course they didn't speak back, because well, they were dead. But she told people she talked to the dead and people believed her. Because back then people were even stupider then they are now and they believed all that crap.
Father was a thief. It was a family guy thing. His Father and Grandfather were both thieves and he just followed in their footsteps. He wasn't very good at his profession. He stole mostly barns and sheep. He tried to steal Dracula's Castle once but got caught, got bit, had to spend 14 hours in the emergency room in some rural Hungarian town - so he went back to barns and cows. He never actually got a barn home. But hey, A+ for effort Dad. And thanks for all that meat.